New Task

Sir often likes to set me tasks. Mostly they are non-planned and spurred by something random that we may be discussing, but they are always challenging for me. Always. He knows how to push me out of my comfort zone and although i may not always relish the thought of these tasks when He initially asks them of me, i do know that there is a reason behind them all, and often they will enhance our relationship, or our understanding. Even though i know this, sometimes they still make me initially uncomfortable.

Such a task materialised from a conversation we were having the other day. He has asked that i give Him a list of things that i have gone without from Him recently, due to our personal circumstances which dictate that we cannot be together as often as we'd like (which for me, is all the time). This list is to incorporate the details of things that i would like from Him, and in His words, will help Him to become a better Master. It is true that both He and i know that there have been times of late where i have needed things from Him that have not been possible for Him to provide, but i am still finding this task quite difficult to complete.

i started this task yesterday and went to finish it off today and have ended up deleting everything i'd written and forcing myself to start again. Initially i actually thought this might be amongst the easier of the tasks He has set for me, but i'm finding it tough because even though there are things that i need from Him, i don't want to ever come across as if i don't appreciate the things He does already. He has never been a Dom who sets the rules whether i like it or not, and most often He treats me as His equal, even though it is very obvious within our dynamic (and the undertones are always present) that i am His submissive. So, it almost seems unappreciative of me to ask for anything more, and very unsubmissive-like.

On the other hand, i also know it is foolish of me to question it, and i have no idea why i am. i think it just goes against my natural instinct, not necessarily to let Him know the things i would like more of, but more-so because i'm concerned of expressing anything that may be considered a 'failing' on His part. i really hope it doesn't happen that way.

He would tell me that i'm worrying too much and i should do as He asks of me, without over-analysing it. And, of course, He would be absolutely right.

This week...

i've been a bit slack with the whole blogging thing for a few weeks. i guess because even though i know that this is supposed to help organise and express my thoughts, i also think sometimes that when you write and express negativity, it often compounds itself. i'm a believer in the 'power of positive thought', and although i have periods in my life where i lose my 'faith' or, it wains a bit, a believer i remain.

The week before last, i was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition that i've having the symptoms of for a few years and have been fighting for a diagnosis so i could get back to managing my life. The rheumatologist is putting it down to some past trauma, such as the car accident i had in 1997, or domestic violence in 2002, or even child-birth. No-one really knows what causes it, and as Master has pointed out, i don't fit the typical stereotype of this condition, but it seems i have it all the same. So now, it's simply a question of managing the pain in the long term, and getting back to some form of exercise regime, which will help with the fatigue and the lack of memory.

Master and i also had one of those very rare moments this week where we both had enough privacy to be alone, and be together, albeit on the phone. It's funny, because although i am utterly comfortable with Him, He can still make me nervous. "Phone sex" for want of a better phrase, also makes me a bit nervous, especially as it can be so long between these encounters, and i want to just be able to completely let go and submit to Him, knowing that doing so will please Him immensely. At least i don't get that sense of dread that i did the first time. Haha. Thinking about that actually makes me laugh now. It was so good to be with Him though, His voice and accent can drive me insane. Hopefully next week there will be more time. i can't wait...