New Task

Sir often likes to set me tasks. Mostly they are non-planned and spurred by something random that we may be discussing, but they are always challenging for me. Always. He knows how to push me out of my comfort zone and although i may not always relish the thought of these tasks when He initially asks them of me, i do know that there is a reason behind them all, and often they will enhance our relationship, or our understanding. Even though i know this, sometimes they still make me initially uncomfortable.

Such a task materialised from a conversation we were having the other day. He has asked that i give Him a list of things that i have gone without from Him recently, due to our personal circumstances which dictate that we cannot be together as often as we'd like (which for me, is all the time). This list is to incorporate the details of things that i would like from Him, and in His words, will help Him to become a better Master. It is true that both He and i know that there have been times of late where i have needed things from Him that have not been possible for Him to provide, but i am still finding this task quite difficult to complete.

i started this task yesterday and went to finish it off today and have ended up deleting everything i'd written and forcing myself to start again. Initially i actually thought this might be amongst the easier of the tasks He has set for me, but i'm finding it tough because even though there are things that i need from Him, i don't want to ever come across as if i don't appreciate the things He does already. He has never been a Dom who sets the rules whether i like it or not, and most often He treats me as His equal, even though it is very obvious within our dynamic (and the undertones are always present) that i am His submissive. So, it almost seems unappreciative of me to ask for anything more, and very unsubmissive-like.

On the other hand, i also know it is foolish of me to question it, and i have no idea why i am. i think it just goes against my natural instinct, not necessarily to let Him know the things i would like more of, but more-so because i'm concerned of expressing anything that may be considered a 'failing' on His part. i really hope it doesn't happen that way.

He would tell me that i'm worrying too much and i should do as He asks of me, without over-analysing it. And, of course, He would be absolutely right.

This week...

i've been a bit slack with the whole blogging thing for a few weeks. i guess because even though i know that this is supposed to help organise and express my thoughts, i also think sometimes that when you write and express negativity, it often compounds itself. i'm a believer in the 'power of positive thought', and although i have periods in my life where i lose my 'faith' or, it wains a bit, a believer i remain.

The week before last, i was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition that i've having the symptoms of for a few years and have been fighting for a diagnosis so i could get back to managing my life. The rheumatologist is putting it down to some past trauma, such as the car accident i had in 1997, or domestic violence in 2002, or even child-birth. No-one really knows what causes it, and as Master has pointed out, i don't fit the typical stereotype of this condition, but it seems i have it all the same. So now, it's simply a question of managing the pain in the long term, and getting back to some form of exercise regime, which will help with the fatigue and the lack of memory.

Master and i also had one of those very rare moments this week where we both had enough privacy to be alone, and be together, albeit on the phone. It's funny, because although i am utterly comfortable with Him, He can still make me nervous. "Phone sex" for want of a better phrase, also makes me a bit nervous, especially as it can be so long between these encounters, and i want to just be able to completely let go and submit to Him, knowing that doing so will please Him immensely. At least i don't get that sense of dread that i did the first time. Haha. Thinking about that actually makes me laugh now. It was so good to be with Him though, His voice and accent can drive me insane. Hopefully next week there will be more time. i can't wait...

Long distance

i've found it hard to blog this week due to a number of cirumstances beyond my control. Mainly i have refrained out of respect for Him, because i have not wanted to add any more emotional outbursts that would have made Him feel worse, or compounded the situation that we faced at the start of the week. He asked me for my understanding, and to just 'be in the day', one day at a time, but since i thought i was losing Him, and He is the love of my life - i am ashamed to say i struggled somewhat to do that.

At the start of the week, i couldn't bring myself to speak to Him on the phone because i just knew that the sound of His voice would have me tears, and the longing for Him would overtake every single other emotion. Although He did not say as much as He knew my emotional state, i think that may have hurt Him. But, we did talk on Thursday and i felt instantly assured, and more secure than i had felt all week. i know He loves me, but sometimes just to hear those words from Him is all i need.

Due to the distance between us, sometimes frustration takes over and i become annoyed with myself for needing Him so badly, because He is so very far away and i can't just reach out and touch Him, or sit at His feet, or lay my head against His chest just so i can hear His heart beating. We've been together one way or another for 2 and a half years, and since i have always been highly independent (ridiculously so), sometimes i do still wonder to myself why i have become dependent on Him, why i crave Him, and need His dominance in my life.

i like to rationalise everything - things simply have to make sense to me, because if they don't i have a hard time with acceptance. So, i have come to the very simple solution that i love Him. i would not be submissive without Him for He is the only one to have ever brought this side of me so completely to the surface in all its raw purity.

A long distance relationship is such a difficult thing at times as you can't see the reactions of the other person, there is no body language to read, no 'look' that you can react to and no skin to feel under your fingertips when you need it most. But i guess the whole point is, the universe has thrown us together and shown me that love like this truly does exist and for that i will be forever grateful, no matter how far away He is.

Pure Morning

i was driving to a meeting this morning and got a little stuck in traffic, when i flicked the radio station over and this song blasted through the speakers. It took me right back in time to the '90's. i simply forgot how awesome it was then, and wanted to share it with you.

Placebo - Pure Morning from Placeboworld on Vimeo.

Thank you

What i love about the D/s, M/s, BDSM blogging community (or however you wish to refer to it) is the total sense of honesty and freedom that is expressed within the journals and blogs of truly fabulous people. my reading list is expanding every day, and mostly always i log out with a smile, and the thoughts of "i can sooo relate to that!"

i mentioned in my post earlier this morning that i was feeling intensely sad and vulnerable due to the life 'issues' restricting the time that Master and i can spend together, as a D/s couple. Well, i have been flicking through some blogs today and have come across a remarkable C/couple that have managed an LDR for 7 and a half years, and are still deeply in love. It made me truly smile, and lifted my spirits significantly. Not that i doubt Masters love for me, or His commitment, or mine for Him, but it simply reinforced, right at the time that i needed it, that this does work and although sometimes it may seem impossible, i am in fact very very lucky to have found the Man i need to share my life with, no matter how far away He is.

So, thank you rosie and rosie's Master for although you have no idea who i am, you have helped this girl feel much better today.

Vulnerability

i have this sadness setting in.

i thought that it would be just for a few hours, perhaps just for one day after Master and i didn't get the time together we expected on Friday due to our 'other life' interruptions. i'd been thinking of Him all day. We were due to talk on the phone, with both of us free and able to say what we wanted, and needed to each other and the thought of hearing His voice had me smiling throughout the day, every time He popped into my head - which was a lot. We'd planned it, and i was so looking forward to it.

But these things happen, it wasn't to be, and although we eventually did talk for a short while, all i ended up doing was crying on the phone to Him, and it made me feel weak and vulnerable, and terrible for adding the extra pressure. He is always pushing me to release my emotions and tell Him how i feel, but there are sometimes that i know i'll just make Him feel so much worse and my natural instinct is to protect Him from that.

And now, i can't stop this sadness. It was still with me yesterday, and compounded by yet another of lifes bumps which means He cannot be with me as much, or for as long at the moment. i am trying so hard to understand and to not be hurt, and to enjoy the time we have, but i just feel incredibly vulnerable.

I'm trying not show it in front of my family, but i was watching an old rerun of Dr. Who with my daughter during the day yesterday, (the one with David Tennant and Billie Piper), where the Doctor and Rose were seperated by a parallel world and they had to say goodbye. It upset me greatly - my daughter of course, being 8, just thought it funny that i cried at something so sappy.

i know that none of this is intentional at all, nor is it anyone's fault and i'm sure it will pass, as it has before, and things will get back on even keel. i also know i need to concentrate on all the good things, and take comfort in the fact that i know He loves me. i would never doubt that for a second.

i have never suffered with depression, but right now, i guess this is what it must feel like to an extent. i just wish i the sadness would leave as quickly as it came.

Morning frustration

i was up far too early this morning. 5.30 in the morning early, with some total idiot from work that is causing me problems on my mind. Accused me of bullying? harrassment? He's asked to be moved to a different team, as he feels that as his manager (of one week - i have just taken over a terribly de-motivated team in a department that is losing a great deal of money), i am simply not 'supportive' because i have had to make some very hard decisions this week. Jesus... what some people will do and say when they work for a woman that is mentally and emotionally stronger than them. Anyway, it's made me angry over the last 24 hours, but at least my boss has been incredibly supportive over it, as has Master.

i logged on to chat with Him this morning, since i was awake so early - that's the one beauty with the time difference, it's still evening time with Him when it's first thing in the morning with me, so He's almost always available at that time of day. It's the ONLY good thing about the stupid time difference however. Who dreamed up that idea anyway??

So, i'm a little off track and obviously still feeling quite aggressive about the whole situation. Likely because i have to be in work in just over an hour and have a very difficult day ahead, knowing that this member of my team emailed my boss last night to let him know how awful i apparantly am. i thought i was actually feeling better after talking this over with this morning and knowing that Master is with me all the way... but we've been apart again for 10 minutes and i can already feel the sinking feeling setting back in.

He told me this morning that the fact i have to be so tough at work, and knowing how submissive i am to Him, by choice, makes it all the more special and precious to Him. That made me smile. i mentioned that i have a theory behind that, and He said He wanted to talk about it when we had more time.

Talking of time... i really have to jump in the shower, get the kids up, and get to work! No time for more coffee...