Vulnerability

i have this sadness setting in.

i thought that it would be just for a few hours, perhaps just for one day after Master and i didn't get the time together we expected on Friday due to our 'other life' interruptions. i'd been thinking of Him all day. We were due to talk on the phone, with both of us free and able to say what we wanted, and needed to each other and the thought of hearing His voice had me smiling throughout the day, every time He popped into my head - which was a lot. We'd planned it, and i was so looking forward to it.

But these things happen, it wasn't to be, and although we eventually did talk for a short while, all i ended up doing was crying on the phone to Him, and it made me feel weak and vulnerable, and terrible for adding the extra pressure. He is always pushing me to release my emotions and tell Him how i feel, but there are sometimes that i know i'll just make Him feel so much worse and my natural instinct is to protect Him from that.

And now, i can't stop this sadness. It was still with me yesterday, and compounded by yet another of lifes bumps which means He cannot be with me as much, or for as long at the moment. i am trying so hard to understand and to not be hurt, and to enjoy the time we have, but i just feel incredibly vulnerable.

I'm trying not show it in front of my family, but i was watching an old rerun of Dr. Who with my daughter during the day yesterday, (the one with David Tennant and Billie Piper), where the Doctor and Rose were seperated by a parallel world and they had to say goodbye. It upset me greatly - my daughter of course, being 8, just thought it funny that i cried at something so sappy.

i know that none of this is intentional at all, nor is it anyone's fault and i'm sure it will pass, as it has before, and things will get back on even keel. i also know i need to concentrate on all the good things, and take comfort in the fact that i know He loves me. i would never doubt that for a second.

i have never suffered with depression, but right now, i guess this is what it must feel like to an extent. i just wish i the sadness would leave as quickly as it came.