Long distance

i've found it hard to blog this week due to a number of cirumstances beyond my control. Mainly i have refrained out of respect for Him, because i have not wanted to add any more emotional outbursts that would have made Him feel worse, or compounded the situation that we faced at the start of the week. He asked me for my understanding, and to just 'be in the day', one day at a time, but since i thought i was losing Him, and He is the love of my life - i am ashamed to say i struggled somewhat to do that.

At the start of the week, i couldn't bring myself to speak to Him on the phone because i just knew that the sound of His voice would have me tears, and the longing for Him would overtake every single other emotion. Although He did not say as much as He knew my emotional state, i think that may have hurt Him. But, we did talk on Thursday and i felt instantly assured, and more secure than i had felt all week. i know He loves me, but sometimes just to hear those words from Him is all i need.

Due to the distance between us, sometimes frustration takes over and i become annoyed with myself for needing Him so badly, because He is so very far away and i can't just reach out and touch Him, or sit at His feet, or lay my head against His chest just so i can hear His heart beating. We've been together one way or another for 2 and a half years, and since i have always been highly independent (ridiculously so), sometimes i do still wonder to myself why i have become dependent on Him, why i crave Him, and need His dominance in my life.

i like to rationalise everything - things simply have to make sense to me, because if they don't i have a hard time with acceptance. So, i have come to the very simple solution that i love Him. i would not be submissive without Him for He is the only one to have ever brought this side of me so completely to the surface in all its raw purity.

A long distance relationship is such a difficult thing at times as you can't see the reactions of the other person, there is no body language to read, no 'look' that you can react to and no skin to feel under your fingertips when you need it most. But i guess the whole point is, the universe has thrown us together and shown me that love like this truly does exist and for that i will be forever grateful, no matter how far away He is.